Monday, September 05, 2011

An Open Letter to Sinead O’Connor

Dear Sinead,
This is in response to your ad for a new boyfriend.  I don’t meet many of the qualifications you specified, but if you hear me out, I think you will see that I am your man.

·         I am only 36, but I am an old soul like you.

·         I don’t live in Dublin or Wicklow.  I live in Iowa, but I spent a summer in Dublin studying at Trinity College.  I know a summer isn’t much but Irish hearts are made in days.

·         I am gainfully employed.  I have a pot to piss in.

·         I am an artist.  I write novels out of frustration for the songs I can’t sing.

·         I am sufficiently hairy.

·         You had me at hello (1990).

·         I am not a Brian or Nigel.  I am a Darby.

·         I stood by you back then through all the hate and misunderstanding and jokes at your expense.

·         I have no hair really on my head and am a slacker when it comes to the hair on my face.

·        I missed meeting you in Dublin by a few minutes at a restaurant near the Abbey Theatre.  This doesn’t mean much except that my friend Polly apologized for even telling me she saw you in the restaurant before the play started, because she knew from the first day we met that my goals for summer were 1) To meet you  2) go to my family’s home in Enniskillen 3) write fiction, in that order.

·         I am snuggly.  The correct term is ‘Darbalicious.’

·        Every time I hear you sing I think it will be fine if I die and never hear the sound of God’s voice, because there is no voice that could ever be more beautiful than yours.

·         I live in my own house and I like my mother, even if she didn’t want me watching your videos.

Sinead I hope you find true love and happiness.  Even if this and all the other applications give you a laugh, it will be a gift to have added to your happiness.



Lisa Hanneman said...

Oh, Darbs, she really was so very beautiful in person. Not to rub it in.

Sinead, you'd be lucky to have my friend.

Darby said...

Salt ... In the wound...