Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My Life: The Blu-Ray Edition

Following a recent trend, I am pleased to announce a series of changes to my life that I previously was unable to acheive given the budgetary and techinical limtations at the time. I understand this is different from what some people know and love, but also understand, this was my vision all along.

Let the changes commence:

1. I now look like this.


2. In the original losing my virginity scene, I shot first. This has now been corrected to show the two of us going off at the same time. Far more realistic.

3. There is now a dinosaur walking through every home movie of my childhood.

4. To emphasize my true emotion, I now scream "NOOOO!!!" any time I am upset.

5. I deleted the scene from our summer where I planned to tell you that I'd been a wimp and that I was in love with you, but you showed up to the theater with that other guy. Now I tell you right away, and the last 11 years isn't the same scene over and over again.

6. I have digitally painted out every single blemish from my teenage years. This required months of painstaking and exacting detail.

7. Instead of my uncle dying two years ago, he lives and makes fun of the fact I have no hair.

8. I now have hair.

9. The four years I wasted waiting for my publisher to put out my book is shortened to two and I come to my senses far sooner.

10. I don't know what the new scene is, after I tell you how I feel. This would mean writing something new, and not just revising what happened over and over again. I feel safer, editing. That way I can control what happened. I can change the past, and stall the future.

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